


the only thing you wanna do is...

by khowardishere (esoterpsi)



Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Modern, Not Beta Read, POV Third Person, Past Abuse, Reincarnation, for someone who is a k howard stan i love to make her hurt apparently, katherine howard pov, no beta readers we die like men, the rape is only mentioned please don't be worried lovelies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:22:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22424761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esoterpsi/pseuds/khowardishere
Summary: even centuries after her beheading, to relive what had happened in her short life was hard for katherine.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 111





	the only thing you wanna do is...

_"All you wanna do, all you wanna do, baby!"_

_"I think we can all agree I'm the ten amongst these threes!"_

Even centuries after what had happened, reliving it was always hard for Katherine. That's why it was so hard for the others to let her go through with it eight shows a week, she told herself. It always started out peppy and upbeat, Katherine insulting the other queens with a hidden apologetic smile to remind them she didn't really want to invalidate their stories, it was just her persona for the show. A character. And even going into the song and through the breakdown, that's what it was. Playing a character; the childlike, giggly and naive Katherine Howard of the Tudor period who didn't fully understand what was wrong with a man twenty-three years senior taking a liking to her, with her guardian's secretary secretly promising to marry her, with the ageing king appointing her to higher and higher positions until he married her, with the muddled panicking mess that brought the end of her life. Not the modern Katherine Howard, who even centuries after processing what had happened to her still winced every time a man looked at her in a certain way, who sometimes could barely sleep due to the pain and anger at how she'd been treated. Even so, the other queens kept an eye on her - she noticed, even if they never told her - waiting for the cracks in her facade to show, even if only for a second.

Tonight, that happened.

At first, there was no difference. Jane and Cathy snuck a glance at her face as they faced upstage, making the first " _connection_ ", just a hand on each shoulder, seeing only the carefully put together innocent yet nervous grin she always had, and let their guards down slightly. Katherine had said this was cathartic to her, that she wouldn't put herself through it if she felt unable to (and she'd stepped out before when she needed to, letting one of the alternates play her role), so they should be sure she would be okay. The group spun into the first chorus, the energetic dancing and bright light blinding them to any minuscule issues they could have possibly noticed so early into the song.

The first break was in the next verse.

_"But then there was another guy; Francis, and at the time I was living at my step-grandma's house, and he was working for her- working so so hard, so he asked me to be his little-piece-of-ass...istant!"_

Katherine choked on the last word - she always did, but this time it felt different. Because that was all she was to him, really, wasn't it? She was _fifteen,_ for goodness' sake - a child, how could he possibly be as in love with her as he'd insisted? He'd used her, and even if he'd been the only one to seemingly stick with her to the end, it was just to save his own neck - literally - right? She barely had time to think through that; as usual, she was swung into the rest of the song. With this thought, it was almost sickeningly to sing his praises for the verse _"the sexy secretary to the Dowager Duchess" my ass._ The worst, however, was yet to come, so Katherine focused on switching off. If her brain wasn't going to go into character, she'd just ignore it until she could be alone.

Jane and Cath seemed less concerned at the next " _connection"_ , and why should they have been, Katherine thought. She'd never had this kind of realisation in the middle of the song, of course, they weren't going to recognise it. If there was slightly less power in the choreography, the audience would only see it as foreshadowing to how tired she was growing of the men around her. Which was true.

The verse about Henry wasn't even the worst part. At least this time she didn't have to pretend he was anything but a creep, and Katherine felt her anxiety ebb away for a moment before returning in full force as she remembered what was coming next. She stumbled over _"supreme-head-of-the-Church-of-England "_ and almost kicked herself as she noticed Anne shoot her a concerned glance out of the corner of her eye. She shook her head slightly, almost unnoticeably, to both calm her cousin and snap out of it for a moment. Instead, she tried to focus on how happy she'd been, way back then, to finally move up in the world. She pictured the glitz and glamour of the royal court from the eyes of a not-yet completely traumatised teenage girl, and let a hopeful tone seep into her voice as she sang about how she and Henry were clearly in agreement about her place in court. That way it was easier to drop it, and Katherine jumped slightly at the hands on her legs that she should have expected with the number of times she'd performed this.

_"I guess it's not so different,"_

She hated that that had been her justification, but at least she couldn't blame herself the way she sometimes did with the other men - she reminded herself of one of the lines in Cath's solo - " _If Henry says it's you, then it's you."_ Sad but true. Katherine was glad she didn't have to put as much effort into this chorus, it gave her a chance to brace herself for what was to come.

_"With Henry, it isn't easy,_

_His temper's short and his mates are sleazy,_

_Except for this one courtier,_

_He's a really nice guy, just-"_

"So sincere." Katherine dropped into a speaking voice; an almost sarcastic tone taking onto her voice. "Oh cool, a different interpretation," she knew the audience would be saying, but she couldn't keep the charade up any longer. Of all the men - of jealous Manox to Dereham to the creepy Henry, Thomas was the one she would never forgive. She'd trusted him with everything, even loved him, and in the end, all he'd ended up doing was throwing her in the dirt to try and save himself. A small smirk crossed her face as she remembered that he got the same as her, in the end. _So much for looking after yourself, Thomas._ She picked up the singing for the rest of the verse, making sure to sound as insincere as she'd discovered he was. At this point, she noticed a few questioning and even worried looks from the queens as they danced around her. She ignored them. In fact, the only time she acknowledged them was to tense up as she felt Anna's arm wrap around her waist from behind. At this point, she stopped, barely realising it was part of the song. She soon remembered, however, but not only that, the panic she'd felt that she was supposed to be portraying. Her " _different!"_ cut off into what was almost a scream, and the rest of the final chorus was not much better. She was on-pitch, of course, but conveying an intensity the other queens hadn't seen before. Usually, her singing sounded anguished but in a way that was still fairly tame, softened for the stage, but this time it was raw. Katherine didn't even realise she was crying until the song was over and she gave a (thankfully quieted by the sound tech) sniff. She stood and _sobbed_ for what the queens would later tell her was only around a minute but felt like hours, took a deep breath, and looked back up at the audience.

_"And THEN I got beheaded."_

***

The rest of the show felt like a blur. Even with the hopeful ending, Katherine felt numb. As soon as she'd given the audience a final wave and (hopefully not as fake as it seemed) grin, the facade dropped and she felt like she was going to collapse. The queens were around her in seconds, their mics discarded on the table beside the wings.

"Kitty, holy shit, are you okay?" Anne asked, the disbelief clear in her voice.

"That was a _lot_ out there, what happened?" Cathy seemed slightly awed but just as concerned.

The other chattered around her, all clearly shocked at what had gone on onstage less than twenty minutes before. 

"If you felt like it'd upset you you should have told us, we could have swapped an alt on!" from Catherine.

"Please don't force yourself, love." from Anna.

And then there was Jane, who was fussing so quickly Katherine could barely even process what was being said.

"Can we just go home? Please?" Katherine said after a moment, and the queens rushed to nod and confirm.

The next half an hour was a blur, with changing out of the costume, taking off the makeup (which was shockingly smudged for supposedly waterproof), and having to wait for the announcement to go out that "no, the queens will not be stage-dooring, sorry for any inconvenience," to go around. After what felt like both no time and too much time, however, the door to the London house was opened and Katherine finally felt at home.

**Author's Note:**

> first six fic! katherine has always been my favourite and her story has always been the most heartbreaking for me, so i hope i did it justice!!


End file.
